Sarah Fuller had no concrete plan to die. But that didn’t stop him from thinking about the possibility often.
This year, in the midst of a slew of Division I college athlete suicides, the Vanderbilt freshman and football standout says he could easily have been among them. In particular, the death in May of Katie Meyer, her former Stanford teammate, scared her into getting help. O.K., he thought, I need to change something about my mental health.
Back on Lexapro Even after about half a semester this season away from football, which Fuller is playing while in grad school in North Texas, he’s still feeling better this summer. . It’s much better. He no longer wishes he could tear his ACL and miss practice — or worse.
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“It’s dark, but I’m crossing the street now and I’m like, Oh! I don’t want to get hit by a car.” He laughs, reflecting on the big improvement in his memory this season. “That’s not funny, but like, that’s where I was.”
A year and a half ago, she played two football games for Vandy, making her the first woman to compete in a Power 5 matchup. Now, she just completed the goal his first for USL W League player, Aurora FC, a new non-paid soccer team. (Aurora lost 2-1 in the championship game to Tormenta FC on Saturday.) His final semester of what feels like a lifetime of NCAA eligibility will be this fall, as he works toward sports entertainment management specialist.
While Fuller was preparing for everything, he was quiet about his dark thoughts and his pause. But he’s speaking out now — about football, soccer and everything — because he knows other athletes need to hear that mental health issues are normal. He never wants to see Katie Meyers again.
Fuller kicked Vanderbilt in two games during the 2020 college football season.
Football was never on Fuller’s radar. He watched it, as a regular Cowboys fan, and in college he became interested in the local Titans. But to play? His teammates were watching Vandy football: “Somebody missed a field goal—or maybe they made it—but I was like, ‘I feel like I can do it.’ like that.’” He was joking, but he was about to get the chance to do that. the real one.
Assistant football coach Ken Masuhr called Fuller the morning after his team’s SEC championship win over top-ranked Arkansas in November 2020. He called him, worried he was in trouble. , and he knew that Masuhr had heard from the football team that he needed it. kicker, due to COVID-19 and naming difficulties. Apparently, no one on the football team was willing or able to intervene. “They didn’t want to lose, so the next best thing is our football team,” Fuller said. He thinks Masuhr came to him in the first place because of a good assist he kicked up the middle of the field during the SEC tournament. “It also helps that I’m like 6’1″, 220 pounds,” he jokes.
Fuller wanted to call his parents and ask about his decision and the prospect of missing Thanksgiving at home in Texas, but Masuhr needed an answer right away. She said yes, gathered her soccer gear at her boyfriend Scott Banker’s apartment and showed up to the field for tryouts. (He and Banker met at Hinge last month. Their first date was at Topgolf, and he describes his game as “hard to watch.”)
“The opportunity sounded exciting, but there was nothing more,” says Fuller. “I couldn’t even fathom what was going to happen with all of this.”
After Sarah talked to her parents, much of what was happening became clear to Windi and Brandon Fuller. “It probably took us a few minutes, but we looked at each other like, Oh my God, this is going to be life-changing,” says Windi. Sarah didn’t know anything, as she explained, thinking that kicking would not be a big deal. In the test, he managed to kick 12 or 13 of 15 field goals, which he said surprised the coaches, who were there with the snapper and long shot. He won the job.
The result was an instant hit: One headline read, “Sarah Fuller, who can kick Vanderbilt, is the Thanksgiving pandemic we need,” capturing national attention. In the press release, she was also decorated with names such as “trailblazing,” “historical maker” and “girl builder.”
On November 28, 2020, Fuller suited up for the 0-7 Commodores along with his new teammates — who had called him a “champion” on the road against Missouri with “typical nerves.” he says. Fuller had received permission from the NCAA to play just an hour before the team bus left Vandy.
He wasn’t very good at kicking—field goal chances or PATs felt better—but he executed his squib to perfection; it was downed at the Tigers’ 35-yard line. (Regarding the need for a squib, Fuller explains, “I kick like a football player. I had four days to learn.”)
“We tried to kick some natural weapons into his armor, we tried to, you know, not over train him, but let him do and understand what feels comfortable to him,” the coach said. Vanderbilt’s Derek Mason after the team’s 41-0 run. loss. And that’s what we went with, and I thought he hit it right where he needed to hit it.
The next week, Fuller’s services were needed again; The regular kicker was back, but special teams coach Devin Fitzsimmons (now with the Arizona Cardinals) opted to have him kick over 25 yards, but kept Fuller on the roster for kick close because he was right from that distance.
In that game against Tennessee, she became the first woman to score in a Power 5 game, scoring two extra points in a 42-17 loss to the Commodores. Windi was in the seats shaking before her daughter’s first try, at the end of the first quarter. Windi says: “He had no choice but to find that point,” says Windi, showing the pressure that Sarah also had. Meanwhile, his daughter was in the yard thinking about SpongeBob to calm her nerves.
“Because women are judged so much when they take on a man’s role, there’s this expectation that you have to live up to or you’re going to be that target forever,” Fuller says. Like, ‘Have you seen Sara? She breastfed. No one else can do this.’” He also says he pushed himself to try to be “mentally strong”—a common practice in sports that Fuller, despite his intolerance, has mastered. make sure she says no to it—while she’s playing in a man’s game normally. space.
Fuller was excited to be a competitor. “How exciting it is to go out there and play a new sport, especially as an athlete, to go out there and try new things,” he says. However, the negative aspects of the game wore on him over time. There was confusion about playing for a losing team. He gave an impassioned halftime speech to the boys during the Mizzou game, encouraging them to have each other’s backs and fight for points.
Then there was the idea of people having sex on the Internet. Fuller told her friends and family not to try her, but they watched as people complained about the women’s need to stay in their places. People hounded him for autographs. He was scared to death, via Facebook DM to Banker. Her parents called more police around their Texas home after receiving several letters; they still don’t know how their address got out. Banker collected Fuller’s best words online to share with his girlfriend and tried to hide the rest, but in the end, his story became too big: He had to see the negative emotions. with him. But it didn’t bother him much at the time.
There’s also pressure to make the most of his NIL opportunity now that it’s legal, both for money (Fuller, introduced by Wasserman, supports himself while in grad school) and business. “I remember people saying, ‘Oh, I just saw [Katie Meyer] on Instagram, and she looked so happy.’ I’m like, I was doing the same thing. … You have to keep the ads to keep the visibility to get these NIL deals.” He currently has partnerships with companies including Altra Running Shoes, H&R Block, NOCAP Sports (a place for students to get NIL deals) and Tempo (a place for home workouts).
Through it all, as Fuller’s football name grew, he loved the attention: He approached the inauguration event to introduce Vice President Kamala Harris, appearing at the ESPYs, receiving signed jerseys from to NFL players, stepping in for Dolly Parton as the Titans’. 12th man. He was reaching heights far beyond anything he had achieved in football, a sport he had made his life’s work.
Fuller has spent the past year scoring goals at the University of North Texas, where she attends grad school, and Aurora FC, the first professional women’s soccer team.
In North Texas, Fuller sees a sports psychologist regularly. As he struggled through the season, his instincts were to see him get less, not more, so he reduced his time each week. He finally caught on and wanted to see her twice a week. The source of Fuller’s unhappiness took him a while to pinpoint, but to those closest to him, the problem was clear: For the first time in his life, football wasn’t bringing him joy.
“There’s a lot of repetition in how the ball goes,” Fuller says. “I remember telling my doctor that I felt like I was on this hamster wheel. It is then renewed every year. You just have to do the same thing. You still have to fight for space. ” He was burning.
Above the football games, he admits that, at least on a subconscious level, the stress he endured from his fame as part of the football team finally caught up with him. With his thoughts of self-harm and suicidal inflammation, he arranged an emergency meeting with her to discuss what he could do. Both agreed that Fuller would be out of football for at least one week. He ended up staying away from spring break for the rest of the semester.
Fuller says: “When you are in such a depressing situation, the things that you love, that make you happy, that you love, sometimes bother you the most. Sarah Jaquez Okerstrom, one of Fuller’s best friends since childhood: “It just goes, goes, goes, goes, goes. And I think that’s when he hit her.”
The break was not a break, at least physically. She spent part of it training for the Boston Marathon, where she was one of eight women in April to run in the city’s Athletic Association honors team. They were intended to represent the eight women who completed the race in 1972, as part of the first official women’s team. He crossed the finish line with Banker in 5:50.59.
“Obviously I’m going to go and try to achieve anything,” Fuller says. “Besides running other marathons. I don’t do that. I do one more thing. ”
The time off left Fuller refreshed and ready to enjoy football again. Before completing her soccer career in North Texas, Fuller spent the summer in Minnesota, scoring and winning for Aurora FC, a women’s-led, community-led club.
His leadership, including in the area of mental health, was invaluable to the team’s younger players. “She’s willing to be blunt,” Aurora goalie coach Cassie Ulrich said. “He relaxed and talked about some of the problems he was facing in his work. … I think it’s important to have people who are able to share and talk about their experience. ”
At Aurora, Fuller was the happiest he had ever been to play football. She loved the all-female environment, which created a cohesive team culture. He also felt he was playing his best football as the playoffs progressed, even saving an Aurora-like penalty, which sold out the same stadium where the NFL’s Vikings practice, blow in the playoffs. The team’s supporters often chanted his name.
“I took this opportunity at Aurora to take a better step forward with the ball and to have a good relationship with it and to find the joy of being among my teammates.” It works. Rest. Lexapro. Reaching out to friends and family for support. “Everything is really a 180 from where I was,” he says.
Fuller wants to see others get the help he benefited from at his school. He praises the North Texas staff and says the NCAA should mandate more resources for students at all member facilities, which sometimes have one mental health professional serving hundreds of athletes. It is important that college athletes have access to adequate resources within their athletic departments to minimize help-seeking and provide professionals who are familiar with their concerns.
Another famous guard who has recently spoken out about mental illness, USWNT coach Briana Scurry, calls Fuller’s advocacy “inspirational.” He adds: “We are not robots. We are not just playing a game. We are people who play the game and we have things going on that we feel through our platform we can shine a light on. And you understand and you’ve done a good job with it. ”
The NWSL may be Fuller’s future. He is still deciding whether to participate in the draft, which will probably take place in December. (Major league competition is tough, but someone with Fuller’s promise and name recognition could have a chance to break through.) Still, he admits, “You get older and your body start feeling pain all the time, and you’re like; How long do I want to feel this way?” Instead, he could take on the business side of the sport as an agent or eventually as a team owner (he would love to see Aurora join the NWSL).
Now, while Fuller is getting everything sorted out, he knows one thing: that he needs to advocate for his peers and their mental health.
“I don’t even want that to be an option for student-athletes, to think about suicide,” he says. “You better step back and press pause.”
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