By: Charlotte WilderFOX Sports Columnist
When you think of sports, you probably think of a game played on a field. Think athletes and coaches, season tickets and hot dogs, the joy of winning and the sadness of losing. You imagine uniforms, pom poms, giant foam hands and stadiums full of screaming crowds.
All of this is obviously accurate. However, I would argue that these are more specific to *a* sport. Sport as a single concept is a much broader category. Sport is an atmosphere. Energy. You recognize capital sport when you see it, even if you don’t immediately realize it.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that the concept of sports as a way of life is not a new topic in these parts. Five years ago (how is that possible?) I wrote the definitive breakdown of what constitutes sport. I argued that for something to be a sport, the answer must be “yes” to at least four of the following six questions:
1. Does it involve competition?2. Does it require considerable physical effort?3. Can you write about it on a sports website without people asking why you’re writing about it on a sports website? 4. Can you choose sides? 5. Would most people have fun watching it?6. Would you do it for fun?
However, there is a special clause known as rule no. 7, which says I can override the criteria and ask one simple question: “Do I feel like a sport?”
Let me give you an example: chicken wings. Chicken wings are sporty.
As I wrote at the time: “Of course wings are sports. Wings are sporty in the same way that good dogs are. Wings taste like sports if you could eat them. Wings are flavored with the hearts of winners and the tears of losers. Wings are the trophies of the food world .”
Since 2017, I have been busy being a sports referee, which I have given myself. I retired a few years ago, but now I’m bringing it back because I think this world of ours needs a little more mindless joy, and I’d like to do my part to infuse it with some.
That’s a very roundabout way of saying: Welcome to my new column, “Is This a Sport?”
We’ll start with a topic near and dear to my heart: offseason quarterback drama. The NFL season is less than two months away, a fact that’s terrifying because I’m pretty sure 2022 has *just* started, but also exciting because sitting on the couch for eight straight hours on Sundays will once again be socially acceptable.
We haven’t seen our fearless playground heroes in a while, but that doesn’t mean they haven’t been busy. The sports drama gods have given us plenty of material before players report to camp, so I’ve taken it upon myself to round up the best stories and decide whether NFL players’ off-the-field adventures are — or aren’t — sports.
Is Aaron Rodgers’ New Sports Tattoo?
The NFL’s Agent of Chaos has had a busy summer. He dated actress Shailene Woodley – a woman whose name I can now spell without looking – but they broke up in May. They had a brief period of “will they, will they” but that seems to be over now that there is a new woman in Rodgers’ life. Blu of Earth is a podcaster/shaman (??) who denies being a witch.
Personally, I would never deny being a witch if someone publicly accused me of it, but that’s neither here nor there.
Anyway, Rodgers recently got Balazs Bercsenyi tattooed on his arm, the same guy who tattooed Blu’s arm a few years back. I listened to Blu’s October 2019 podcast (things I do for journalism!) where she said she’s been wanting to get a tattoo by this artist for months, but was afraid her mom wouldn’t like her if she did . more.
Blu eventually overcame her fear and enrolled. And a week ago, Rodgers revealed that he did too.
Rodgers has said that one day he will tell the story behind the tattoo, and it has to happen sooner rather than later, because until he does, the only thing I’ll be able to do during Packers games is wonder what it all means.
So this tattoo is sporty? By its own standards, no: it does not involve competition, nor does it require significant physical effort (exertion and pain are not the same thing). I can write about it on a sports website without tons of people asking me why, but I can’t pick a page. It’s fun, but I don’t think anyone should do it for fun.
What about rule no. 7? Sounds like a sport to you?
No, it feels like the illuminati and astrology. Both are fine in their own right, but neither is an athlete.
Is it Patrick Mahomes’ summer sport?
As a cleanup for the words above, Mahomes and his wife, Brittany Matthews, recently announced that they are expecting their second child.
Mahomes also saved Josh Allen’s life on the golf course.
Verdict: Baby = no sport. Catching a soccer ball inches from Josh Allen’s face = Sports.
Is Tom Brady’s New Movie Sports?
By now you know that the ageless bionic man retired and then unretired and is now preparing for his 21st season in the NFL. However, he’s also been very busy selling his new underwear line and filming a feature called “80 For Brady” starring the GOAT foursome of iconic actresses Sally Field, Jane Fonda, Rita Moreno and Lily Tomlin.
The film is set in 2017, with Brady’s former Patriots teammates Rob Gronkowski, Julian Edelman and Danny Amendola reuniting in New England uniforms on set.
Did I—a Patriots fan dealing with the reality of failed head coaches Matt Patricia and Joe Judge overseeing the development of Mac Jones—do the right thing? Sorry, I can’t answer that because I’m too busy watching Super Bowl 28-3 highlights.
Oh, and is it a sport? yes I am not interested in the criteria. I refer to rule no. 7. It looks like a sport, so it is a sport.
Is Zach Wilson’s wild love life a sport?
Here’s the story you’ve all been waiting for. The amount of unfounded rumors coming out is pretty incredible, but they have taken over the sports world, so I’ll give you a summary of the allegations.
On July 9, Wilson’s former BYU teammate Dax Milne — who now plays for the Washington Commanders — posted two pictures on Instagram with a faceless woman on the beach. People on the internet decided it was Wilson’s ex-girlfriend, Abbey Gile. Gile and Wilson reportedly began separating in January, and there has been a lot of buzz online about Wilson’s former teammate now seeing Wilson’s ex-girlfriend.
Then Gile – who is a New Jersey influencer, the most glamorous profession I’ve ever heard – confirmed the relationship with Milne and dropped the bombshell. In a now-deleted comment on Milne’s post, she wrote that Wilson had an adult relationship with her mother’s best friend.
Gile has since completely deleted her Instagram profile (a life goal of mine).
But Wilson didn’t say anything until this week, when he posted a picture of himself and some teammates on Instagram with the caption: “I took a guy to @gozzerranchclub in Idaho before camp! Bad cell service… what am I missing?”
I’d like to know if Wilson hired a PR firm to come up with this sign or if he came up with it himself. Because if it’s the latter, my respect for him will skyrocket.
Wilson’s mom also had a field day when her son was in the New York tabloids. On Instagram, where her handle is @lifeaccording2lisa (amazing), she posted long stories that didn’t make much sense but turned out to be priceless memes.
Lisa has also recently taken videos of her friends working out and visiting her at home, calling them sexy…
… and then implies that her son was not intimate with them.
This is a woman who preaches about the dangers of the internet on her social media platforms. The call, as they say, may be coming from the house.
But the best and most football-related aspect of the whole rumor mill is that Jets fans are seemingly excited about their team getting publicity for reasons other than being terrible at football. Proof? Since the controversy, Wilson has received more league MVP forwards than any other quarterback.
Decision: I don’t know why you even have to ask. This is Sport.
Is Baker Mayfield Sports’ progressive commercials over?
Yes, Mayfield has finally escaped Cleveland and is now battling former Jet Sam Darnold for the Panthers’ top spot.
But the more important news when it comes to Mayfield is that he no longer plans to appear in those Progressive Insurance commercials in which he pretended to live in the Browns’ stadium.
He also said the company refused to film one in which he was “moving.”
I guess it’s hard to sell the idea of protecting your house when the foundation is extremely shaky and you’re about to be evicted.
Ruling: Unsportsmanlike (Rule No. 7 enforced).
Are Russell Wilson Family Photos Sports?
Rodgers may be the king of chaos, but the Broncos’ new quarterback is the king of benign chaos. Because on a random Tuesday, he’ll drop pictures like this.
Verdict: Not not Sport, but not Sport. The judgment has not yet been issued.
Is Lamar Jackson taking on Bernard Pollard Jr. Sports?
The Ravens quarterback recently fell out with the former Baltimore safety.
It’s pretty self-explanatory, so just read these exchanges.
“BERNARD” in all caps definitely sends me.
Is Kirk Cousins shaking hands with Andy Murray Sports?
You weren’t expecting to see Cousins here, were you? Well, the NFL’s resident Big Dad Energy played tennis during the season and told the tennis star, “I admire your determination,” as the two shook hands recently.
For some reason, I find this absolutely wonderful.
And that’s about as juicy as Cousins gets. Like when he said he likes listening to Creed in the locker room.
Verdict: Sport, but with a lowercase S
Thanks for reading! Please contact us to find out if something is sporting. You know where to find me. I’m on the internet.
Charlotte Wilder is a general columnist and co-host of “The People’s Sports Podcast” for FOX Sports. She is honored to represent a perennially neglected area of Boston in sports media, loves to talk to sports fans about their feelings, and is most happy to eat a hotdog on the field or nachos in the stadium. Follow her on Twitter @TheWilderThings.
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