It seems like only yesterday you would see children out in the castle courtyard, pretending to be soldiers and socializing with their peers. Alas, no more! Since the invention of the printing press, our children have been interested in nothing but these evil “book” things. I don’t want to sound backwards, but Gutenberg’s creation was the worst thing to happen to civilization since Copernicus lied about the sun.
Every morning, when I leave my home, the events I witness can be taken from the End of Days. Villagers pass you on the street with their noses in books; couples behind potato wagons, looking speechless at books. I even see people reading on horseback, keeping watch in their homes, mowing down unwilling farmers—it should be illegal!
The townspeople seem to be excited about the advent of accessible books, but I think these people shouldn’t have children. All mine are now left in his bedroom, eating “myths”. When he wakes up, his book is the first thing he reaches for. He does not speak; he does not even listen to beheaded in the city square. Recently, I’ve even caught him looking at his mother and me differently, as if in a confusing way he’s imagining the words the book might use to describe us. This technology is changing my child’s psychology!
In the thirteenth century, we had healthy Christian activities, such as jousting and wild boar stalking. We searched, we sang, we killed the French, we hunted for food, we plundered the French villages, and we brought honor to England by destroying the bad country of France. But now? I swear, sometimes these kids don’t even read anything—they’re just addicted to turning the pages. I can’t wait until they grow up and realize how much of their adolescence they wasted on “content” when they could have spent that time killing the French.
As for my child, he flies when spoken to, and grows like a weed near any light that can be read. I told her that books aren’t allowed at dinner, but I can tell she’s getting bored with them under the table. Even worse, I can see that he is maddened by other people’s lives and disappointed by his own. When compared to the lives of all these heroes and adults he is reading about, how can he not feel that me and his mother, as he says, “are going crazy”?
How should this generation fight? I shudder to think of them all on the battlefield, sniping at the enemy. Recently I entered a group of two soldiers who were so close that they had to listen to each other. Once our enemies feel that our country is protected by a group of people with a physical throne, our miserable country will fall!
I ask you, what was wrong with the scrolls? Of course, they were written on very hot parchment paper, and, yes, the amount of expensive monastic labor required to write a single scroll insured that only the poor could collect them—but they were good. These days, people don’t even have the patience to look through the scroll, now you can just say “page” (ugh!) and find the right “chapter” (what?!). These books are ruining the attention span of our youth!
This is my last attempt to get my son’s attention. David? I wrote this for you. Are you reading? Talk to me please. Please come out. Please see the world. Avoid books so you can educate yourself. Be a man with your own life experiences, instead of a carefully curated collection of “legends” handed to you by complete strangers!
And, if you don’t, I swear to God I will take your books and burn them.
