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If you’re a new parent, or if you’re not sure you’re doing a good job, you’ve probably already consulted a parenting book. The idea of ​​a parenting guide goes back hundreds of years; Personally, I know few parents who have not read any child-rearing guides at all.

But while many moms and dads find parenting books helpful, consuming parenting advice can have a dark side.

In 2017, a study by Amy Brown, an associate professor and researcher in maternal and infant health at Swansea University, showed that reading parenting books can contribute to depressive symptoms in new mothers. While Brown specifically focused on guides that advocated strict routines for very young infants, parenting books often made parents feel worse instead of better.

Why should a counselor make us feel guilty? The problem lies in the nature of the advice given. In fact, in the study mentioned above, the mothers who already agreed with the advice felt better, but the majority felt worse after receiving it.

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“Parenting books often give tips and guidance without context, such as B. the child’s temperament or how parents juggle with their world much more than caring for their children. A lot of well-intentioned parenting books don’t address the gray areas of parenting, such as “A strategy might work well with one of your children but not their siblings,” said Emily Edlynn, a clinical psychologist from Oak Park, Illinois.

“When a book has the premise of how its approach will improve your life, and then the prescribed strategies don’t work, the reader feels like it’s their fault. He must get it wrong or fail as a parent. “

In other words, many moms and dads felt like a failure when the advice presented didn’t work for them.

“When a book has the premise of how its approach will improve your life, and then the prescribed strategies don’t work, the reader feels like it’s their fault. He needs to get it wrong or fail as a parent instead of finding flaws in counseling,” Edlynn added.

Even books that focus on building a better connection with your child can have this effect.

“Here’s a group of people trying to articulate a certain mindset about being parents, and I think that’s a good thing. But it’s always in the context of Here’s the recipe,” added Alison Gopnik, a professor of developmental psychology at the University of California, Berkley and author of “The Gardener and the Carpenter.”

All this can negatively affect the well-being of parents.

“I don’t think anyone who actually reads these books will feel good about it,” said Margaret Quinlan, professor of communications at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte and co-author of You’re Doing It’s Wrong! Maternity, Media and Medical Expertise.”

RELATED: Why Emily Oster’s parenting wisdom is loved by some and reviled by others

She cited loss of confidence and feelings of shame as the main problems she found in parenting counseling. “It messes with your self-esteem, your self-image, and your understanding of yourself as a parent,” she said. But shame could have a more detrimental effect on people in general and parents in particular.

Among other things, it could switch off curiosity and the willingness to learn.

“My concern for parents who feel embarrassed about reading a parenting book is that if they don’t achieve the life-changing effects the authors promise, they will internalize that they are a failure. This self-blame adds to the stress to further discourage them from being the parents they want to be,” Edlynn said.

In addition, the scientific claims contained in many parenting books have not always been accurate. For example, the popular book The Wonder Weeks argues that babies have mental growth spurts at certain points in their development. But while it’s true that babies develop in spurts, it doesn’t happen in specific weeks. Instead, there is a lot of variability in how babies grow physically and mentally.

Whether it’s to gather information about parenting practices or just to be reassured that their baby will be fine, there are countless reasons parents read parenting guides. And our isolation from extended family and loss of the so-called “village” might be one way to explain the popularity of these leaders.

But Alison Gopnik sees another reason. She pointed out that people throughout history have learned to raise children by doing just that — or by watching mothers, grandmothers and aunts and other caregivers raise babies or care for younger siblings themselves.

This changed as families got smaller and both men and women delayed having children. More people were able to educate themselves and learn that doing certain tasks in a certain way led to a certain result. “People had very good models of what to do when you go to school or you go to work, you produce certain outcomes and you get certain types of expertise, and I think what happened was people got that model imported.” Gopnik explained.

Whether it’s heartbroken babies, defiant toddlers, or moody teenagers, most parents seek parenting advice in times of crisis. “People want to be told what to do when they’re feeling unsafe, so I think parenting books fill that need with instruction. The problem is that parenting is clearly a lot more nuanced and messy, there are no easy answers,” Edlynn said.

And even if it were possible for parents to mold their child a certain way, it would defeat the whole point of actually having children. “From a scientific point of view, having children is about introducing more variability, more change, more differences into the world. Having a generation that does things differently in unexpected ways, adapting to new environments,” Gopnik said.

As a self-proclaimed book geek and a woman with a degree in literature, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but maybe it’s time to ditch parenting guides. There must be a better way.

Most current parenting books advise parents to develop empathy for their children. But we don’t need parenting books for that. It turns out that fiction can help us achieve the same goal in a much better, more enjoyable way: all the empathy, no guilt. In other words, if you want to be a better parent, ignore all advice and read a novel instead.

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